Teaching English

WHORING YOUR ENGLISH OUT

As i have already covered chinese people all really really want to practise their horrible english on you! So why not get paid handsomely for it? I was told by my friends when in college that pulling RMB150 an hour was good with 100 the going rate. I think its higher: ive started to collect RMB180 an hour from one kids school and RMB150 (guy said 200 was fine) from an executive type. And with the STRONG demand for native speakers you could demand 200 without much trouble, people will push 100/120 onto you but if everyone is offering that more is very possible. Dont feel greedy, all the schools (Private and otherwise) are too.

Sign me up
These gigs were not hard to find either, after posting that i wanted some weekend hours on an ex-pat website i was literally flooded with offers. I went to a few schools who tried to push year-long contracts on me with hum-drim wages (120), then pestered me night and day on the phone for my "FOREIGN FRIENDS" to come to their shitty school and teach. Too many schools need the white guy to walk around and look impressive, the schools i visited all looked fairly opportunist, money grabbing and worst of all: decked out and surrounded by more terrible english. It struck me that the most desperate were these kinder-school for ages 4-14 pushed along by their parents who cant string a sentence together and who most likely think it means instance access to the world or something. The parents love me when i say "你好" but their expression darkens when i start speaking quasi-flaunt chinese. This is like a "face-off" and a chance to show of your education maybe, i dont care.

Teaching the brats
The executive taiwan dude is in New York for a month, so this is the only story to tell right now. I recently started teaching at "wittykids" somehow translated from a name like: english american school of language, im Australian, and this shouldnt be a problem as i have heard MANY cases of Russians and Spanish people passing themselves off as "native english speakers". So i do about 1 hour on fri, sat, sun night. The initial impression of the school (when i signed on) was good - the girl spoke passable english and the premise was slick and clean. But quickly this impression fell apart as i discovered it was run in a very ad-hoc way, a telemarketing like system (with some auctioning) pumps the kids in at random and everything seems to be thrown together on the run. Yes the lesson plans i have been given all reek of bad english too, despite assurances the boss lived in Ireland (ok i understand 80% of what she said, but its still far from good enough).

Why Kids
My girlfriend teaches college aged students japanese and i have heard that it is demanding. They all have a good grasp on grammar and the like. After work or a weekend studying session i dont feel like revisiting my grammatical inadequacies and stressing out. Shouting out "APPLE" ..."BANANA" is limited but rewarding in a way because these kids are easily amused and catch on fast. The other critical consideration is PRACTISING MY CHINESE at the same time as teaching english, every day i will say APPLE afterwards slip in 苹果, i do get saddled with an assistant who chirps away in chinese, but i feel that if i just speak english the kids dont really connect with me and im just a clown/english-tape-player. The biggest problem is the parent who tag along and demand a show or disturb class but encouraging their children to partisipate. FUCK OFF.

maybe ill do an update down the track

Electric Bikes and Traffic in China

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-bike

I own a very fast e-bike. It travels at 30ish k/h at top speed passing the average e-bikes speed of 20k/h and a normal push bike's speed of 15ish k/h. This ebike lasts around 1-2 hours depending on traffic and the route taken. Much like a normal car a smooth ride will conserve power. One of the biggest drawbacks is that the battery needs to be recharged often and is VERY heavy (maybe 15ish kg), so every 2-3 days i need to carry this bloody great thing up to my 3rd floored apartment and wait for 4+ hrs for the thing to recharge. I payed RMB1600 for a new e-bike but subsequently swapped it for my girlfriends super-fast/yet old e-bike (she got it cheap off her friend for RMB400).

Any other transportation options?
Is the e-bike dangerous? yes. BUT! Is the bus dangerous? yes. Well often people get aggressive when lining up or standing on the bus and will start mini-fist fights or shouting matches. Also the roundabout route system and an lacking timetable is dangerous to your metal health. It may cost RMB1-3 but the e-bike is FREE. Further despite constantly playing a loop announcing "watch out for safty" these bus drivers have no real interest in saftey and range from the very reckless to the very crazy. Alternatively the taxi opinion is relatively cheapish (RMB11-30) and more direct and fast than either the bus or the e-bike, but during peak traffic walking may be a faster option, plus on weekends in busy places or at 4-5pm you will find it extremely difficult to find a available cab. Plus these bastards like to take you on little tours of the city to ramp up the end fee.

E-bike in full flight
Its great because you fly around the city weaving in and out of cars, passing bemused chinese e-bikers, and after 7 months only once did my girlfriend have her battery stolen (was in a carelessly parked area) so its safe as long as you stick to your lock. It is by far my most favourite mode of transport and ive only had very minor accidents (and i've driven lateforwork/angry/drunk etc) all resulting in me being 100% unharmed and the other person falling over, I think because my bike is heavy, i am heavy, so when minor crashes happen i have nothing to worry about. And dont dream of wearing a helmet, when i got my bike the mall lady claimed that their superstore had not a single helmet for sale, ripper.

Problems on the road
1) Ear bleeding breaks: other ebikes rides often have breaks which when sounded could make babies cry, paint strip and drive a man to drink. Its really horrible and often these individuals are kind enough to wear earplugs/music-earphone to shield them from their own ugly showcase. Now i recently went to a bike place to have my breaks fixed (starting to sweak and ceasing to work well) but instead of just adjusting/fixing the break i was told i would need entirely new breakx, RMB80 and 1 hour later i had new ones, so maybe i PARTLY understand why some chinese continue to release their hellish siren, but come-on RMB80 for safety and sanity?

2) Idiot riders: usually in the form of people driving e-bikes or normal bikes next to each other whilst talking. At this stage they dedicate zero attention to the road or their countless fellow riders who are forced into a deadly bottle neck, or honk them to the side of the road as they seem to sway and drive anywhere but straight. I'd like to add here that ive been converted from someone who thinks the horn is an instrument of the rude to an essential tool of daily life in china.

3) Idiot cars: the law of the jungle really prevails on the road, so vehicles up the food chain (cars) will only stop to avoid killing a large group of cyclists, or to avoid crushing altogether. Otherwise the cars are slow, selfish and stupid animals. My favourite is when they decide to try the bike lane out during heavy traffic and surprising get stuck and in the process trap a stream of angry bikers who cannot get passed. Parking in the bike lane is also popular, making one of the very fun trips onto the real road possible. Also when turning at the lights the cars create a solid line and shield the bikes from passing (don't worry the bikers get their revenge with the same tactic).
So in closing china's road are in a state of near anarchy but the E-bike is fun and effective.

The Language Duel: Speaking Chinese in China

"You learn Chinese? Chinese must be hard for you..."
I have hit a serious hurdle to learning Chinese in China: the Chinese don’t seem like to speak Chinese...to Chinese students. Well mostly university aged students, odd huh? A lot of my foreign friends have had similar experiences and it is painfully annoying. I understand that this Chinese generation has spent countless hours/years route learning English and that studying overseas is impossibly expensive and that they received precious few opportunities to converse with a real live whitey. I dont care im not here for charity.

The stereotypical suspects:

The “hello” hit and run guy:
This guy, or group of guys, will yell shit at you in a public place and promptly piss off. Along one street i collected a grand total of seven “hellos” within an hour - this is about as “friendly” as rock hurdled at your head. These idiots are harmless but deadly annoying. Maybe just a step up in sophistication from the children who point while calling out “LAOWAI” or the guy who pedals buckets of recycled waste around town.

The English specialist who is actually rubbish:
Often when lining up for some food or service, the queueing whitey will be noted and the staff will desperately seek out the resident “English specialist”. Usually this chap/lass has “hello, what is the matter” nailed down pat, but once you start speaking (English) the fear will cross the face and you will realise that this individual has never met a foreigner before and you might as well be talking to a sandwich. But do not fret the Chinese will be quickly cracked open and you will be able to piece together a meaningful conversation. Beginners with limited exposure to china should brush this type aside.

The language exchange partner:
Your textbook claims that if you can make Chinese friends you Chinese will quickly improve, i think this is a myth. Now some exceptionally social/patient people may make friends with Chinese at an upper intermediate level with both languages being spoken. But usually this is impossible because both parties will be desperate to impose their learned language and if the English speaker speaks relatively rubbish Chinese, and the Chinese reasonably rubbish English, communication will be difficult if not impossible. So the generally weaker language partner will be conquered and will normally leave the relationship shortly after.

The Chinese elite:
These bastards are few (top 5-15% of the student population) but they WILL hunt your white arse down and will REFUSE to use Chinese unless yours is impeccable. This crew have majored in English, studied for countless years, have an impressively deep vocab, respectable fluency and are my final frontier. They will not be at all perfect, deeply flawed in fact, as they have never had a foreign friend or lived aboard, so their English will be strange, things wont make sense and they will frequently misunderstand you. What i don’t like about this type of person is that they will sometimes deploy sly tactics to win their way into English: pretending not to understand your decent Chinese, or conversely claim that your chinese is perfect and that you have no room for further improvement (bizarre). These are bread and butter tactics.

My advice:
Once the white face is seen the chinese brain will click into english mode, to reset the brain back to chinese you will need to say the first few setences flawlessly (keep it simple and clean), afterwards you can get a bit more sloppy with tones/expressions. Trying to return fire by pretending you cannot understand their clumsy english or forcing through into chinese will not work.

Disclaimer: i like china and the Chinese people, I have Chinese friends and this post is born out of profound frustration.

China's Olympic Visa and its Fallout

Some background reading for those under a rock or outside China:

24 Changes You Need to Know About (http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/happysheep/shangri-la-la/1212575580.html)

Overview
The timing is crystal: just as the olympic torch rally was jeered and jostled by protesters in Paris and across America the CCP hit panic stations with some of the toughest visa regulations I have ever seen. During this period only tourist 30-day 1-way-entry visas will be handed out that must be accompanied by a hotel receipts. Afterwards you will have to go back to your own country with even Hong Kong - the one-spot-shop for chinese visas - being barred. Colleges in Hongkong who run the show on the mainland have reported that most business visas have been rejected. Short term students are also having grief (including me).

Other security
The olympics is a very sensitive issue and it cuts both ways. In hangzhou the number of "I Love China" shirts ballooned at a bewildering rate, but in BJ i saw not a single shirt around the ground and i was told on good authority they have been banned to avoid 'nationalistic displays'.
At the airports foreigner and chinese alike are being searched fanatically. Every MTR station in BJ did a bag search which make traveling about as smooth as a hongkong tram.

Knee-jerk-reaction?
As previously mentioned business, especially operating out of HK, is not happy with this Visa fiacso. There is a fine line between ensuring an incident free olympics and pissing everyone off. But i have also heard that the hotels in Beijing, many specially built for the olympics, were not near half capacity. I can testify first hand that the student and foreign areas in Beijing were near-empty. Tourism dollars drying up is one thing, but i have heard of foreigners being targeted in beijing and hassled into producing valid visas, this is not generating much good will either.

The threat?
I will not mince words: in the west there are a lot of china haters about and in some media quarters its actually fashionable to mindlessly bash. Whether this is because of some western insecurity or a moralistic disdain for the neo-thug workings of the CCP, there was a queue of mud throwers waiting outside the gates of Beijing. But with chinese so firmly behind the olympics any foreign displays of "free TTT" would only have hardened public sentiment and backfired on the cause. Also, every olympics is littered with political posturing, boycotts and protests, China is not a special case. I understand the olympics was firstly a showcase for the Chinese, second for the world, but China does not need new enemies/critics in the west because of clumsily and hastily assembled visa regulations.

Lets hope they are amended within the month.